Itachi's Sexuality
by Katie.Madison
Summary: When Deidara asked Kisame about Itachi's sexuality, this was not the answer he had in mind.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE IS PROBABLY INAPPROPRIATELY LONG BUT... YOLO! ^-^?**

Well, I don't know about you, but I like to think that I have a decent grasp on the sexual orientation of most of our beloved Naruto characters.

I mean Naruto is obviously a bi-curious closet-case who's sexually attracted to women but has some more-than-platonic feelings towards boys named Sasuke Uchiha that make him confused and angry. Still, it's lucky for him that Sasuke is more homosexual than Elton John during the Gay Pride Parade, what with his hair and blatant disregard for anyone of the opposite sex. Anko's into bisexual BDSM, Iruka's as gay as the animal he's named after, yadda yadda yadda and everyone else is just as obvious.

*Except for **_Itachi_**... URGH. It irritates me!

_Like, is he gay?_

Well, no, I think he had a girlfriend in the past.

_So he's straight?_

No, no, just look at him, - he's prettier than you! Plus, everyone important to him - loved, admired, - were all men. And he was so..._intense_ in his interactions with Sasuke, Kisame, Kakashi, Tobi, - it just screams UST! Plus, when he was revived, his humor was so... _flirty!_

_Then what, Bisexual?_

Hm... I don't know. He never actually seemed 'sexually attracted' to anyone of either sex - let alone both! He showed interest and 'emotions' towards others, but nothing 'physical.'

_So how about pan-romantic? Asexual?_

Maybe - that would mean that he disregards gender entirely and falls in love with the person... But then he wouldn't need to have sex, right? O_o WHOA. WHOA. STOP THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT RIGHT NOW, THE FANGIRLS WILL KILL YOU...

And the conversation continues...

_So_, I decided that this story would be something of a humorous take on the ever-unreadable, Itachi Uchiha:) Very lighthearted, fluffy with minor sexual themes and some coarse language!

* * *

**Itachi's Sexuality**

"Kisame, how's it like working with Itachi?" questioned Deidara, moving quickly from the table to sit by the older man on the sofa. He pulled his legs up to his chest and faced him, with eager blue eyes. Nobody else was in the vicinity and this was the perfect time to ask Kisame.

The older male sighed and exasperatedly put down the newspaper he was reading as he was finally forced to acknowledge the other man's intrusive presence. He rolled his unusually shaped eyes as he answered. "I thought we went over this, kid. Fire style jutsus, a lot of Sharingan illusionary techniques and-"

Deidara waved him off with a thin, impatient hand, implying that was not what he was interested in this time around. "I meant, as an actual guy. Like aside from the whole, 'I Am Uchiha, Bow Down Before Me!,' crap."

Kisame felt one of his blue eyebrows raise into a mocking, patronizing arch. "Contrary to what you believe, Deidara, Itachi has never once acted superiorly because of his heritage. He is a modest man and I'm not going to give you anything to feed your obsession for bad-mouthing him."

Deidara's eyes widened as he gritted his teeth. He was about to go off on a Hidan-esque rant about how he fucking hated the guy and had ever right to bad talk the stuck-up son-of a motherfucking whore after his forced entry into this dammed organization but decided otherwise. Kisame basically adored the Uchiha and insulting the other teenager in front of him would not be the best course of action if he intended on achieving his goal.

Black-mail gold.

Instead, he innocently tilted his head to the left and smiled as good-naturedly as he could. "I have no idea what you are talking about, Kisame. I'm just casually looking for information about a fellow Akatsuki member."

Kisame resisted rolling his eyes again but decided to indulge the little blonde.

After the initial hostility between himself and his partner, the two men had reached a companionable dynamic in their partnership that was extremely comfortable and at worst, slightly boring. Itachi's retorts had always been serious, sarcastic and amusing when they used to insult one another and he missed hearing that sharp, intelligent tongue in action. Perhaps, Kisame reasoned, if he fueled the easily combustible teenager's insults, Itachi might finally give him back a good, degrading, hilarious retort instead of a stoic 'hn,' and a slam of his bedroom door. Obviously, he would not dare give away anything important about the man he regarded an acquaintance if not a friend, but what hurt could a little office-room type gossip do?

"Alright," he said, rolling his shoulders and settling into a more comfortable position, "What would you want to know?"

Deidara grinned and leaned closer to the larger man conspiratorially as he whispered his question.

"What kind of people does he hook up with?"

Kisame felt his jaw drop and a bit of blood rush to his cheeks. He was just about to respond with an answer that expressed his outrage when an amused voice joined their conversation uninvited.

"Why, are you interested, blondie?" teased an obnoxious-sounding voice from behind the duo. Kisame and Deidara both whipped around to find Hidan perched on the dining table with a cup of coffee in his hands and a sneer on his face.

Deidara scowled at the religious nut and refused to dignify that question with an answer. He turned back to Kisame and waited for his comments instead. Although Hidan, it seemed, was keenly interested in the topic as well since he too decided to listen to Kisame and take a seat on the opposite armchair.

Kisame was just about to tell the two younger members to go get their own lives when he was once again interrupted by an intruder.

"Shut up, you idiots," hissed the irritable red-haired man by the doorway, "I can't focus on my work with you all screaming your bullshit at the top of your lungs."

"Fine then, leave and shut your fucking door," snapped Hidan, distractedly giving Sasori the finger. He was busy staring at the oddly colored Akatsuki member. "I, for one, want to hear about St. Uchiha's sexcapades. The man's so indifferent and nerdy that I'm surprised he even has sex. I thought he just masturbated to encyclopedic scrolls or some equally fucked up shit."

Kisame and Deidara both frowned at the disturbing mental images while Sasori chose to ignore Hidan's remarks altogether. He narrowed his eyes at the pair sitting on the sofa instead. "Really?" he deadpanned, shifting his stance to rest his weight on his left hip and folding his arms across his chest. "We've sunk so low that we're going to amuse ourselves with Uchiha's sex life?" He shook his head and turned to face the exit. "Useless idiots," he mumbled as he began leaving.

Hidan, however, was faster. "Oh come on!" he yelled blocking the way. Sasori was about to poison the silver-haired bastard before he leaned closer and grinned. "Don't act as if you aren't interested just the teensiest bit. You are supposed to have a little bit of human in you somewhere, right? Natural human curiosity and all that shit?"

Sasori closed his eyes and pushed the heavily breathing man away from his person. Although he and Itachi were on perfectly fine terms, he did not know much about the silent, polite man whose rational presence he had come to appreciate around the base. Hidan was right when he implied that he was curious about the Uchiha who was so highly praised by both Pein and Orochimaru but Sasori had been more inclined to ponder his intellect, power and potential as a future puppet. Still, he decided to stay with the group and hear their conversation, figuring there was nothing else he needed to be currently doing. His work had consisted of polishing his already polished puppets.

Sasori pulled an irritated face and took the chair opposite Hidan, acting as though he were 'forced' to listen.

At this point, Deidara was getting antsy. He had wanted to hear some Uchiha-gossip from Kisame and use it against him, but did anything really count as blackmail if so many people, especially those of the likes of Hidan, knew it? Deidara groaned lowly but decided to push on with the conversation.

"Now if you'd answer the question, Kisame?"


	2. Chapter 2

Kisame felt his eyebrows lower as he took in the three, supposedly S-rank, deadly ninja before him.

"You're all a bunch of horny school girls," he growled, covering his eyes with a large blue hand so he could temporarily shield his eyes from the sight of the unadulterated stupidity before him.

For several seconds, nobody said anything or moved. Kisame briefly wondered if his comment had seriously made them re-evaluate their lives and peaked through a tiny slit between his forefinger and middle finger to confirm his suspicions. Unfortunately, nothing of that sort had occurred. In fact, all three of them looked irrevocably fascinated with the hair on his knuckles considering the intense stares they (excluding Sasori) were giving him.

Hidan had even taken the liberty of sitting in the coffee table in front of Deidara and him.

"Don't just leave us there, Kisame, you bastard!" he yelled. The shorter man hunched forward and tilted his head to the side where he arrogantly propped it up with a ring-adorned hand. Suddenly he grinned like the psychopath he was and fixed his freakish magenta eyes on Kisame's one visible one. "Unless you like the idea of us all just sitting here like horny school girls," he teased.

"What the bloody fuck are you talking about, Hidan!?" cried Kisame, straightening up and practically jumping back into the couch and away from the lecherous looking platinum-haired man .

Just then, Deidara jumped into the poor blue man's field of vision, looking irritated and slightly flushed from embarrassment "Kisame! You told us we were horny school girls!" he hissed. "What's the rest of the role play? Or does Itachi just get off to the image of us dressed as horny school girls?"

Kisame froze - completely and utterly flabbergasted. He felt like he needed a whole lifetime to recover from the images of Hidan, Deidara and Sasori posed as horny school girls flashing through his mind. He spluttered uselessly for several seconds before he finally spoke sensibly. "I didn't mean for you to _imagine _that _you _were... like that... I meant that you all were _acting _like that with your interest in my partner's sex life. Deidara, I thought you wanted things like embarrassing sleeping habits, or awkward bunny slippers or something, not a list of who he takes to his bed. And Hidan, really? 'Sexcapades?' and 'Saints?' The guy massacred his clan for one and secondly, doesn't the whole concept of 'Saints' somehow offend your own religion?"

Hidan muttered a string of curses under his breath as he leaned back and slid off the table. He and Sasori both left the room deeming the tall man uninteresting, unknowledgeable and a waste of their time. Well, that and Hidan was also slightly offended. Deidara, however, hung on to him. He scooted closer and stared at him with one big, blue eye. "None of what you said were real blackmai- I mean 'personality-expressing characteristics!' Why do I care if he snores or indulges in home footwear? I want _more_ than that! C'mon!"

Kisame scowled at him and resumed reading his newspaper.

Deidara tsked and blocked out the section he was reading with his hands. Frustrated, (but ever resourceful) he decided to use another tactic. "C'mon! Unless, you yourself don't know shit! Maybe you and Uchiha aren't as friendly as you thought, huh? Or maybe you're just jealous that he gets laid when you can't. Or maybe you and him are in a _relationship instead! _You heard how strict Pein was about that kind of stuff last meeting!"

Kisame whipped away the teen's hand and bared his impressive teeth. "Itachi and I are not in a romantic relationship!" he said loudly. "And I'm not _jealous. _I'm just... I have..." Kisame's demeanor suddenly did a one-hundred and eighty degree flip as he tried to finish his sentence. He went from a cool, angry tone too-,

"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS ANYWAY. I TOTALLY HAVE BLUE PRIDE, YOU FEMININE BLONDE PRICK! YOU'RE NOT EVEN KONAN'S HEIGHT" -accompanied by a subconscious foot-stomp, a 'hmph!' sound and dramatic running out of the room.

Deidara almost felt bad for him (Kisame and he were on friendly terms normally) but he was too annoyed to exert himself with the efforts of rebuilding the blue man's now comically fragile sense of self-esteem.

They might have been a bunch of horny school girls but Kisame was like that insecure school girl who cried in the washroom because nobody asked her out to prom.

The blonde sighed and ran a finger through the ends of his hair. The worst part about the whole thing was that he had not gained any black mail information about Itachi – not _even _if he snored or not!

Chocking the whole thing's failure up to Hidan and Sasori's interruption, he left the room to go formulate a better plan for sabotaging the genjutsu user and ruining his good name. 'Somehow he managed to have a good name in an organization full of murderers and arsonist,' Deidara mused as he passed through the hallways. 'Does that make him really good at being evil? Or really good in a general sense and therefore bad at being bad?' He began to ponder some other incredibly deep and important questions.

The man was so caught up in his own thoughts he did not even sense the object of his thoughts approaching him from behind until a soft touch landed on his shoulder.

"WHAT?" he shrieked, turning around with a kunai in hand and another shoved deep into his bag of clay.

It was Itachi Uchiha himself, scowling deeply with the hand that had touched his shoulder now waving slightly in front of him. " I've called your name at least four times by now," he said slowly as if speaking to a child. He eyed the blonde's embarrassment with wary eyes.

Itachi was nothing if not perceptive and had easily assessed Deidara's ill-hidden hatred towards him the day he arrived. He could tell when the younger man was up to something, like now.

"I don't really care for you or your actions," he said coldly. He narrowed his eyes and stared him down, daring him to look away "But Kisame's holed himself into our private lounge room and refuses to let me in. His screams indicate that he's upset because of something _you _did so I suggest you fix whatever it is before I break the door down and tell Kakuzu that it was your responsibility." With that, the silent man easily sidestepped the shorter one and headed for one of the training grounds.

Deidara maintained a glare throughout Itachi's little speech but as soon as he was out of hearing range, he burst out into a psychotic grin.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ooh, what is Deidara smiling about it? Tobi wants to know!" said Tobi, barreling out of the kitchen and up in Deidara's face. "Deidara only smiles like that when he's going to go blow something up!"

"Shut up, you Neanderthal," said Deidara, reflexively smacking him across his left arm. The blonde winced a bit when he pulled back. Tobi's armor was way too hard for someone that stupid."We don't want people to get suspicious," he gritted out, holding the injured hand in the other.

The masked man nodded dumbly and made a zipping motion across where Deidara presumed his mouth was. He threw away the imaginary key and giggled softly."Who's the target?"

"The weasel bastard. Who else?" scoffed Deidara. Quickly recovering, he dragged the taller man down the corridor by the scarf around his neck – halting before Itachi and Kisame's common room to implement his plan. Like any other sane person, Tobi began shivering and brought his hands up in a sign of nervousness. "Wahh! Um... Uh, do you _really _think it's a good idea to go bomb Itachi? He might put us in his Tsukuyomi and torture us!" he whisper-yelled at the blonde.

Deidara chose to ignore that point and loudly rapped the large door. "Oi, Kisame! Open up!" he called, rolling his eyes at the obscenely dramatic sighs coming from the other side.

"OH GOD, WHY HAVE YOU BESTOWED UPON ME SUCH _UNDERAPPRECIATEDLY_ RUGGED FEATURES? HOW AM I TO FACE THE VICIOUSLY CRUEL SOCEITAL EXPECTATIONS OF ATTRACTIVENESS WITH THIS VISAGE OF RARE HUE?" lamented the blue-skinned Akatsuki member, throwing an arm over his eyes – as if to _physically_ shield his face from these so-called 'societal expectations.' Samehada seemed to empathize with his problems as the sword moved its tail across Kisame's hand in a comforting manner but the water ninja refused to open the door.

"Kisame! I-I'm not entirely sure what you just said but you shouldn't worry, even if you aren't the prettiest! It's the beauty that's on the inside that counts!" chimed in Tobi.

This just made Kisame even more upset. "SAYS THE KID WEARING A MASK. YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST AS UGLY AS ME. OR HORRIBLY DISFIGURED! OR ANOTHER DAMNED BEAUTIFUL UCHIHA!" he shouted.

Tobi decided that that would be a good time to shut up.

Luckily, by that point Deidara had managed to wiggle a hairpin in to the lock and pry it open. He and Tobi entered the room to find Kisame spread out over the large three-seater sofa (fully-occupying it, of course) staring fixedly at something on the TV screen. He turned the volume up and proceeded to ignore the intruders.

"Kisame, what are you watching? Konoha's Next Top Model? Wow... Because _of course_ none of these people are genjutsu-altered," said Deidara, circling around the bigger , the show provided a good enough distraction so that he would not pay attention to the blonde's actions.

Turning around to motion for Tobi to follow him, Deidara realized that the tall idiot was seated comfortably in front of the sofa ogling the screen with Kisame."About time!" he cheered as some anorexic girl burst out into crocodile tears on screen. "Mimi was such a bitch!"

Resisting the very strong urge to blow someone up, Deidara left the two men to their rather feminine interests (and they told him his _hair_ was too girly...) and snuck to Itachi's room. The Uchiha's room door was slightly ajar and Deidara could just make out a bed and a nightstand opposite the door. The man grinned psychotically and shoved some clay into his hands, thoroughly pleased with the ingenuity and totally bad-assery of his plan.

'Besides,' Deidara thought, as his hands made the familiar gestures to form three tiny clay bugs. 'Even if Kisame gave me my blackmail info, he could have been lying or deceived by a genjutsu or something. This way my info will be perfect. Ha-ha!' Deidara sent the three special bugs into the room and situated them behind the nightstand, between the pillow-covers, and below the bed before activating the chakra-powered audio-video chips in them so that he would see and hear what they did. He ran back downstairs and tried not to look too smug.

The bugs he made would show him all of Itachi's bedroom activities and he could not wait for the secrets to come out! The blonde started to giggle softly as he thought of all the things he could make the black-haired man do if he had some epic, dirty secret to hold over him!

He could see it now.

* * *

_A frowning Itachi on his knees before him, forcing himself to utter such demeaning sentences "Deidara, I'm so sorry for that incident during your retrieval. I was an arrogant bitch and in utter denial about how much more your art was better than mine. I also admit that your hair is truly the most luscious hair I have ever had the pleasure of viewing."_

_"I knew it all along, you Conjunctivitis – infected bastard! Now fetch me something to eat. And while you're at it, go do my laundry! And those whites better be separate from the darks, Itachi-_chan._"_

_"But Deidara-_sama, _I'm already so tired from doing all of your missions and cleaning your room and writing more points for you to use during your arguments with Sasori! Have mercy!"_

_"NO WAY. If you don't I'll tell everyone how much you like to sleep with overweight hermaphrodites! And just for the attitude, I want it all done in five minutes."_

_"What?!"_

_"With no chakra."_

_"Deidara!"_

_"Hopping on one foot!"_

_"Are you fucking seri-?"_

_"While Tobi sits on your shoulders and sings the opening to Konoha's Next Top Model! SUCK ON THAT, YOU BASTARD."_


	4. Chapter 4

"Oi, Deidara! Stop drooling all over the floor! Kakuzu will kill you for the carpet-cleaning bill!" Kisame called from his position in the kitchenette. The TV was set to commercial break so Kisame decided to fix up some food while they waited for the results from a shuriken themed photo-shoot.

Deidara quickly swept his jaw off of the floor, locked his humiliated!Itachi fantasies in the deep recesses of his mind, and came around to sit on the couch just as it switched back to the program. He decided that he would hang out in these quarters until Itachi visited his room to make sure that his cameras and microphones worked without him suspecting anything.

Deidara munched on some rice balls as he tried not to laugh at a bunch of civilian girls try to use ninja weapons in their poses. He almost chocked when someone tried to lick a kunai during their turn.

The rest of the day was passed in a similar manner; Tobi and Kisame watched shows like_ 'The Secret Life of a Sunagakure Chuunin,'_ _'How I Met Your Sensei,_' and Deidara's personal favorite, _'The Missing-Nin Diaries._' Eventually, however, the TV shows had finished and Tobi had fallen asleep with his head on Kisame's shoulder as the blue ninja watched some movie about a whale called _'Free Bwilly._'

Deidara figured he could just kind of sit there until the Uchiha returned, but as soon as Kisame started rambling on about the 'gross exaggeration of the average killer whale's intelligence quotient,' the blonde knew that he had to leave the room before he was dragged into one of Kisame's inane rants.

As silently as possible, Deidara slithered off the sofa and inched towards the door. He kept his eye(s) fixed on the blue man (whose comments were getting louder and louder) and stuck one hand straight out in front of him so that he would not bump into anything.

His fingers were just a few inches away from the dark colored wooden door when it abruptly swung backwards and Itachi walked forward. Wordlessly, his dark eyes took in the scene before him. Tobi was passed out, laying half on the floor and half on Kisame while Kisame shook his fists in the air and shouted about how whales were just as vicious as sharks but had such an unfairly gentle reputation. Crushed rice balls, and popcorn kernels littered the floor around them in an almost perfect circle and Deidara's hand was for some unknown reason pressing against him square in the front as the blonde himself glared at the duo.

"Although I didn't explicitly say so, when I requested you to fix whatever it was the upset Kisame, I expected you not to make him more upset than he was previously," said Itachi. He gripped the hand that was pressed against his chest and pushed it off in one fluid motion. Deidara looked shocked for a moment as he glanced up at Itachi's expression of indifference but upon registering his words, he immediately narrowed his light blue eyes and wrenched his hand out of the elder's grip.

"Why you little piece of-" he started to say, but Itachi was having none of that. He drew himself to his full height of 178cm and loomed over Deidara's tiny frame before silencing him with one slender forefinger. "The door _was_ unlocked though, so I suppose that is a success," he said.

"Oi, Itachi, you bastard! Don't patronize me like that. I'm not the one who made Kisame like-"

But he was cut off again. "My intentions were not to patronize you, Deidara. Don't be dramatic. Just take Tobi and leave. Kisame can lock up when he's... _done._" And without another word, the Uchiha disappeared into his room and shut the door.

"_My intentions were not to patronize you, Deidara. I'm a good person, Deidara. You're just incompetent, Deidara. Please, as if... Look at me! I'm so cool with my tall, mysterious, darkness! And just listen to my awesome, manly, low voice! I'm so freaking awesome that masturbating while thinking of myself is the only thing that gets me off because I, Itachi Uchiha, am better than all you peasants!"_ said Deidara, making his voice seem obnoxiously low, and flexing his rather thing arms as he mocked the Uchiha.

It was only after he finished his convoluted rant, did he realize that Kisame was no longer screaming at the heavens about marine injustices and that Tobi was no longer snoring.

Whipping himself around to face the couch, Deidara was met with two very disturbed looking shinobi. Tobi was silently clutching a pillow to himself and inching closer to the opposite end of the couch, while Kisame sat frozen with his hands still in the air and an expression of confused alarm on his blue features.

"You know, I think Hidan was right. You _are _obsessed – and probably want to sleep with him!"

Deidara flushed. "Oi! I was _mocking _him you idiot, that means I hate him."

"Deidara's lying! Lyra Panks said that teasing/making fun/hating people is the first sign that indicates someone likes you."

"...Shut up, you ugly brat!"

"Oh no, that won't work on Tobi. See, Lyra Panks says that as long as you're 'beautiful on the inside that's all that matters and Tobi is very beautiful on the inside. In fact, Tobi ate some heart-shaped sugar cookies, so he's very pretty on the inside today! "

"Fine. Now, would you like to leave this insane insane asylum, _gorgeous?_"

"Lyra Panks said that complimenting everyone around one's target of affection is a way to easily diffuse the tension when complimenting one's romantic interest due to the pack mentality of-"

"ONE MORE WORD ABOUT THIS BITCH AND I'M GOING KILL YOU."

* * *

So, as expected of Deidara and Tobi, the two men left the lounge only after much unnecessary yelling, fighting, and other such tedious activities. Eventually, however, each man reached his respective room.

Deidara immediately turned on the connection in his mechanical eye piece as soon as he shut the door, but was too late. Dressed in a simple pair of casual pants and a dark t-shirt, Itachi Uchiha was lying face down on his mattress, seemingly fast asleep. No bunny slippers insight.

Deidara wondered if it was worth the effort of sending Tobi a detonating clay bird for preventing him from observing Itachi. What if he had actually jacked off to a naked Shadow Clone before falling asleep? Or three of them dressed as horny school girls? Or even those encyclopedic scrolls?

Still, Deidara was nothing if not persistent, so he was not discouraged in the slightest. He would get his black mail soon, he was sure of it.

Until then, he would get some rest.

Itachi, however, was not as self-assuredly content. As soon as he had entered his room, he had activated his sharingan and scanned the entire thing for Deidara's chakra signature – not trusting the ill-meaning blonde anywhere near his belongings. Although, he had covered them perfectly (a given for all Akatsuki members), the traces of a _jutsu_ being performed could be detected on the exterior plane of his door.

Piecing it all together, - Deidara's hasty retreat from the room, - his extreme reaction to his hand on his shoulder, Itachi figured that he was somehow planning to dishonor him through some sort of sabotage that required information about his personal life.

How_... immature_.

Itachi would see to it that his punishment was justly served.


	5. Chapter 5

For the meanwhile, the Uchiha rapidly changed into clean clothes and lied down as inconspicuously as possible. Deidara was usually a night owl, so if he was being stalked, Itachi would figure it out in the early mornings when the blonde was asleep and not observing him.

This strategy, however, did not go as well as he expected. For some reason, Itachi felt extremely self-conscious of the fact that Deidara had a full view of his thinly-veiled body. Normally, he couldn't bring himself to give even _half_ a fuck about the blonde who was even weaker than his little brother – but that night the poor Uchiha tossed and turned in his sheets trying to find a position that did not leave him feeling... exposed. And just when he'd successfully managed to cocoon himself into a large human burrito, (including several layers of sweaters and sweatpants) – his alarm went off. He would have Amaterasu-ed the damn thing but his hands were too bundled up in the ridiculous amount of fabric covering his person.

- So when Itachi slunk out of bed and into the living room having slept for a grand total of fifty three minutes, he was justifiably irritable.

Kisame was lazily bustling about in his crumpled Akatsuki cloak, sweeping up the last remains of crushed rice balls and popcorn and tossing them into the trash while mindlessly humming the _Jaws _theme song. With a rather feral sounding yawn, the swordsman stretched his arms above his head and grinned at the Uchiha.

"Good morning, Itachi, sleep well? He asked, eyes curled up into little upside down 'u's.

"Actually, no..."

Kisame paused in his housework and furrowed an eyebrow – wondering if that was an invitation to actually ask about his partner's wellness, and if so, if he even _wanted _to know what was disturbing enough to inhibit Itachi Uchiha's - the guy who slept with his mom's blood coating his hands – sleep.

Deciding on going for a sort of 'casually-interested-look', Kisame gave teen his most human smile and resumed his cleaning, "Oh, is that so?" he said.

Itachi, however, completely ignored his words and walked straight up to the man – firmly gripping the broom in his hand as he leaned in close and spoke in a very heated tone. "Deidara is stalking me, and I can't sleep properly because I know he's trying to watch me and the thought of him watching me makes me...feel... _uncomfortable_." Kisame could even swear he saw him scowl a little.

The ex-nin felt his jaw unhinge and hang open as he stared into scarlet eyes – not really sure what to say.

He was debating between bursting out into laughter and looking around for Ashtton Butcher to jump out from behind Samehada and scream, 'You've been Punk'd!' But after he waited a good half a minute with no appearance from any such civilian celebrities, he broke out into gales of inhibited laughter, coupled with rolling on the floor-style stomach clutching and fist-banging.

Itachi wondered for not the first time in his Akatsuki membership, why Pein thought that the two of them would make a good partnership. Did he think that he would appreciate blue giants who rolled on kitchen floors, laughing, while wearing aprons with aquatic scenery?

Still, being as inherently polite as he was, he allowed the man a few minutes to... stabilize himself before questioning him regarding any recent behavioural notes on Deidara.

After he straightened himself up and wiped the tears from his eyes, Kisame nodded profusely. "Yeah, yeah! That makes sense! Hidan even thinks he might want to sleep with you," he said amusedly.

Itachi whipped around so fast, he whacked Kisame with his ponytail. "I beg your pardon?" he ground out slowly.

Kisame nodded some more. "In fact, he came up to me yesterday and demanded to know who you liked to sleep with. Although I, obviously, said nothing because unlike fucking _whales, _sharks are very loyal creatures."

"Thank you, but when he came here yesterday, what did he do?"

"…Deidara things?"

"For example?"

"He punched Tobi?"

"Nothing to do with me? My room? Belongings?"

"Uhhh… Notreally?"

"…Think, Kisame."

"How am I supposed to know? I was too busy watching the finale of Sex in the Hidden Villag_-_I mean… The Genjutsu-ist_! _All I know is that when I got up to make food, he was standing in front of your door with this faraway, longing look in his eyes. You have wards set up around your room, so he couldn't have entered – Maybe he got a peek of your underwear on your bed or something."

"_Charming_… But you have no actual idea?"

"Well, if he was trying to find out who you slept with, and was standing outside your room, then maybe he was looking for any remains of your partners?"

"Remains? Like body parts?... What on Earth could he think that I-"

"Who's remains!? Where are we burying them!? Can Tobi help!?" Itachi was cut off mid-sentence when the masked man barrelled into their common room and almost tripping over the garbage can.

Itachi briefly rolled his eyes and was about to walk away when Tobi bent over his shoulder and whispered conspiratorially into his ear. "Are they Deidara's remains? After what he did to your room?"

Kisame and Itachi shared a look. "What do you mean?" probed the swordsman, leaning in closer to the two Uchihas.

Tobi stood up to his full height, wanting to look his best with all the attention he was receiving. "Deidara told me that he had a plan and that you were his target! I thought it was for bombs at first, but now that I think about it, Deidara's too smart to do that – he knows you'd just beat him up! But it was something alright, I could see the gears moving in his brain!"

Itachi closed his eyes in thought, folding his arms over his chest. Kisame scratched his head. "But what else does Deidara do? Other than blow shit up!?"

Tobi tsked under his mask. "Don't forget, Kisame! Primarily, Deidara is an artist and he's always trying to outdo his previous works with even more versatile ones! He can create huge clay animals that don't explode, that he flies around on, right? So I'm sure he can create tiny ones too! Perfect for just leaving around!"

Itachi frowned. "True, I haven't warded my rooms against his clay figures so he could slip them in, but like we mentioned, he would be foolish to place exploding clay in my room and not expect me to take action… Although, I don't see how placing _non-exploding_ clay figures in my room would help him do anything."

"Wait! You know Sasori, right?"

"Yes, I do!"

"That wasn't actually a question for you to answer, kid. Anyway, well I heard him talking to Kakuzu one day about just that," Kisame said, "For this intelligence mission that Pein gave the two of them a couple weeks ago, the two of them had to somehow collect data about this popular lodge that many rich ministers and feudal lords attended. Normally, Sasori would have just genjutsu-ed one of his minions to work as a bartender, cook or something but the staff manager rotated the staff every week and Sasori didn't have enough men to spare to cover each shift. So Deidara sold the hotel chain a bunch of his clay works for decoration but each one had a chakra-concealed camera implanted in it. He even managed to implant some into his clay bugs to fly around the place!"

Tobi oohed loudly at Deidara's cleverness while Itachi scowled ever more. "So then… he's filled my room with clay figurines… containing cameras," he said tonelessly.

Kisame started laughing again. "Holy shit!" he managed to squeeze out between breaths. "Th-that's too perfect! I didn't t-tell him anything, so he's gon-gonna see if he can f-find out for him-himself! HAHA!"

Tobi cocked his head to the side. "Find out what?"

"Who Itachi sleeps with! But Deidara ain't gonna find out squat because Itachi doesn't sleep with anyone!"

"Well it's not that I-"

"You should pretend," Tobi announced in an uncharacteristically low voice.

Both Itachi and Kisame turned to stare at him as he hurriedly coughed into his sleeve. "I mean, you should pretend that you sleep with people then," he said in his 'normal' voice.

Itachi quirked an eyebrow at his suggestion, "Why?"

Tobi placed his hands on his hips and sighed. "Because it'd be funny! If Kisame's right and he wants to know who you sleep with – for blackmail reasons or whatever – then you should give him an answer he'll never forget! One that'll embarrass him so badly, it'll be _like punishment _for intruding on your privacy in the first place!"

Itachi leaned across the back of the couch.

"I'm interested. You have three minutes."


	6. Chapter 6

By the end of those three minutes, Tobi had been fairly successful.

Kisame, for one, was completely on-board.

Itachi, well, not entirely...

"I absolutely refuse to partake in any of this nonsense," said the Uchiha as he massaged his temples from the multiple run-on sentences Tobi had used to save time.

Tobi was undeterred – and with Kisame on his side he looked like he never would be. The two taller men were skipping around in a circle holding hands, similar to little girls on a playground after school.

"Come on, Itachi! It'll be perfect! Don't you want to get him back for planting those cameras?"

"Yes, I do. Although, I don't see how fucking someone who looks just like Deidara in front of those cameras will allow me to, 'get him back' as you say."

"You mean other than creeping his virgin-ass the fuck out?" interjected Kisame, halting to a stop as he realized how gay he looked skipping in circles with the masked man.

"I simply don't get it," Itachi reiterated.

Tobi sighed and placed his gloved hands on his hips. "If you sleep with someone who looks like Deidara, he won't be able to use that information for blackmail because he'd be too embarrassed! And then, you can pretend to want to sleep with him and really creep him out! You're a lot stronger than him and he knows that. He might even cry and then beg that you don't take him! Like a little bitch! Hahaha! It'll be serious payback - not to mention _hilarious. _Hahahahaha! OH YEAH."

Kisame and Itachi both watched the masked man shake with the laughter, his shoulders heaving up and down as he even raised his hands in front of him and tossed his head back. The partners glanced at Tobi and then at each other, and then at Tobi once more before Kisame placed a large blue hand on one of the shaking man's shoulders.

"I doubted you at when you first joined, but now I am 100% certain you are just as creepy and evil as the rest of us," he said soberly. Even Itachi nodded in agreement.

Tobi cleared his throat and stopped shaking. "That means a lot coming from you senpai," he said, even more soberly.

The two embraced in a manly embrace of evilness as the younger Akatsuki member rolled his scarlet eyes.

"Hn" he said, flipping his bangs out of his face and retreating to go sit on the sofa. He opened _The Art of Scrolling _and began reading.

Tobi looked at Kisame and tilted his head questioningly.

"That means 'Yes'" the blue man said with a casual thumbs up.

With a childish squeal, Tobi jumped up and down in glee but then abruptly stopped. "Since when do you thumbs up?" he wondered aloud but Kisame paid him no heed as he recommenced cleaning their living space, blushing slightly from being called out on his moment of Gai-like behaviour.

Itachi rolled his eyes and flipped the page.

* * *

On the other side of the Akatsuki base, Deidara was just waking up. The blonde sat up and stretched contentedly. He even hummed a happy tune as he brushed his teeth. Throwing his clock over his shoulders he sat down at his desk and performed a few hand seals, opening up a laptop-sized, screen showing him three separate panels of Itachi's room.

"Fucking hell!" he screamed, throwing his hands up in the air. The Uchiha's bed was immaculately made and all of his sleeping clothes were tucked neatly into a hamper - the room's inhabitant long gone.

The blonde 'hmphed' angrily before he joined his own partner in their common room.

"Why were you screaming?" asked Sasori, although his body was turned away from Deidara, crouched over some scroll he was reading.

"I fucking hate fucking Itachi, that's fucking why I was fucking screaming," Deidara growled, settling down at their kitchen table with an apple in hand. He bit into it furiously and chewed even more furiously.

"That's great, Hidan," Sasori said, without even glancing up from his reading. Deidara rolled his eyes and continued his rage-eating for one uninterrupted minute until he heard the sound of Sasori slamming his scroll on the coffee table.

The red-haired man stood up and marched over to Deidara with folded-arms. "Explain this business with Itachi. Immediately. Straight answers. No lying," he commanded.

Deidara almost dropped the core in his hand. "Since when do you care?" he blurted out.

Sasori looked at him with what appeared to be a hint of embarrassment "If you are planning to kill him, I want him for myself," he admitted.

"Huh?" said Deidara ever so intelligently.

"His body," Sasori clarified with a roll of his eyes.

Deidara's eyes looked like they were going to fall out of his skull. "WHAT THE HELL?"

Sasori wondered why the blonde was looking at him like he had asked him for his first-born child until it occurred to him that _Deidara _might have interpreted his words in... _another_ way.

The aggravated puppet slapped the blonde out of his pathetic stupor ."Idiot! I want to keep his corpse," he seethed.

"_Oh_."

"Hn. Just because _you _would like to fuck him, does not mean that we all do, perverted boy."

"Sasori!" cried Deidara, offended by the accusation.

"Oh please," said Sasori, retreating to his previous spot. "Who are you trying to fool, Deidara?"

The blonde angrily reached into the fruit bowl, irately chose an orange, furiously peeled its skin and lividly ate it whole all the while heatedly ignoring his snickering partner.

After violently ploughing his way through several innocent fruit, the blonde also retreated to his room and laid down on his bed. His Itachi-Cam was still on and he could just make out an outline of the Uchiha sitting at his desk, writing something in a large, black notebook.

Deidara rolled his eyes at what he presumed was one of the Uchiha's nerdy pass-times but he moved to his desk seat anyway. The genjutsu user's back was hunched and his hands moved quickly, never once stopping as he filled several pages with tiny, neat rows of characters. Deidara watched him work for several moments until the Uchiha took a break. Cracking the knuckles of his long fingers, the man stood up and pushed his chair back. Itachi stretched his arms up high over his head in a fairly innocent manner but Deidara couldn't suppress his blush when the Uchiha's shirt rode up to reveal pale skin over strong muscles. He almost moaned out loud when the black-haired man released his hair from its usual ponytail and ran his hands through the soft-looking strands.

_'Okay, okay, fine,_' Deidara thought as he observed the smooth pale skin, dark sexy eyes, tall, fit physique of the older teen with eager eyes, _'He's okay looking._'

Itachi proceeded to stretch the muscles in his other arm.

_'Okay _good_-looking!_' His mind supplied for him as he drank in the sight of the Uchiha clenching his teeth as he rolled his tense shoulders and massaged the back of his neck.

'_But I still wouldn't ever want to fuck him. He's probably a boring, virgin-cocktail-drinking-vanilla-sex-kind-of-guy.' _

The blonde turned his screen off and flopped onto his bed, determinedly not thinking about Itachi's rather... _appealing _physical appearance.

* * *

Meanwhile, Tobi was standing before several high-quality prostitutes at a brothel on the outskirts of Fire Country with a pensive look upon his features (although neither the prostitutes or the pimp could see it behind his mask).

"You simply won't do!" he said suddenly, startling the hell out of the more-than-slightly-offended sex workers. "None of you look right!" he explained, throwing his gloved hands in the air.

The masked man sighed deeply before forming a memory-erasing jutsu and another teleportation one. He had tried every brothel he had ever heard of (and a few he hadn't) but he had been unsuccessful.

And then it hit him hard - like a bout of traveler's diarrhea.

He knew where he must go.


	7. Chapter 7

Itachi continued writing in his notebook for the rest of the day, taking several breaks for eating, showering and doing his sexy, little - _check yourself, Deidara!_ - um, 'completely appropriate stretching exercises' much to the blonde's utter boredom and sexual frustration.

At about five pm Deidara had given up on his whole 'not-going-to-think-about-Itachi's-body' thing and decided that he could objectively enjoy some nice eye-candy on his Itachi-cam and not give a fuck about the attitude and person that came with it.

There's nothing wrong with that! It's what one night stands and casual flings were all about, right?

Right.

But in Deidara's case - Wrong.

The thing about 'casual flings' - is that they were as the title implies, nothing but casual flings. Usually with 'casual flings' or 'one night stands,' you met up with a hot guy or girl and had a completely no-strings attached, sexy, flirty experience without the idea of 'commitments' or 'feelings' getting in the way of your fun.

Just the idea of Itachi - who was so traditional he still ate his rice with chopsticks instead of a fork - engaging that sort of 'tomfoolery' (as _he_ would put it - not Deidara obviously), was ridiculous at best.

And there was also that whole 'Akatsuki Rule #23' which punished members who had sex with one another with castration, although it was usually meant for partners. But they were administered by Kakuzu. Who'd would not only _not_ use anaesthetics, but he wouldn't give a damn if you fucked your partner or a partridge. He'd sell your balls on the black market anyhow. So one could say that being in the Akatsuki was a commitment.

Plus Deidara hated Itachi who had no great opinion of him either. Meaning that there were feelings attached.

Did he also mention that nobody even knew if he was gay or straight and could even get him into his bed in the first place? He could be fucking cucumbersexual at this point and nobody would have a damn clue!

With a deep sigh, the blonde watched Itachi for several more moments until the Uchiha suddenly froze and activated his sharingan. Closing his eyes, he appeared to focus for several moments before letting out a shaky breathe. "I can't believe this" he said softly, but his blue-skinned partner evidently heard it as he poked his head through his door and gave him a toothy grin.

Itachi rolled his eyes but threw on his Akatsuki clock and left his room, leaving Deidara to wonder what the hell was going on over there.

Throwing his own cloak over his shoulders, the blonde quietly snuck out of his room and past his shared living room with utmost stealth and precision, resembling a feline assassin with his deadly fast mov-

"I still expect a full report on this Itachi business, Deidara," blurted Sasori, with absolutely no regard for the rather modest commentary running through the other man's head. The puppeteer was meticulously inspecting his pristine nail beds for any chips or faded paint as he sat in the younger man's previous spot at the kitchen table.

He raised his sleepy-looking eyes only to be met with the back of Deidara's head."You'll be going there now, I presume."

"Of course not! I just needed to stock up on some more fruit! Real stress-buster, that fructose and good for the complexion too - not that you care. I had just happened to remember that Zetsu gave Kisame a rather large basket of plums yesterday evening and so I was heading there to go ask for some," lied Deidara, voice as smooth as ice as he shot Sasori an annoyed look.

The redhead didn't react. "Regardless, brat. I want it."

"Whoa! Sasori, you heard what Pein said! No fuck - I mean - _making love to _- your partners! No matter how you want it!"

The redhead scowled so deeply, Deidara thought his face would crack. He shook his head repeatedly and sauntered into his private rooms. "Simply pathetic. Although I deserve this for trying to talk to such imbecilic perverts," he muttered with a slam of his door.

Obviously, Deidara realized that the room-intruder was Tobi - both from his annoying voice and his obnoxious language so he didn't even bother looking up when the taller man jumped to stand in front of him. "Deidara! Deidara. I was wondering if you could-"

"No."

"Oh. Well then we go to the-"

"Nope."

"But I wanted to-"

"I refuse."

"Your hair is the epitome of manliness-"

"No way."

"CUPCAKES."

"Never."

"You're not even listening to me!"

"Of course not! When does anybody ever listen to you, dumbass? Just leave me alone! I don't have time for your tomfoolery."

"Eh? Tomfoolery?"

"Just... Get the fuck out!"

And with the end of that highly productive conversation, Deidara swept out of his room and strode down the hallway, slowing down and softening his footfalls as he approached Itachi and Kisame's rooms.

Tobi was left behind in Deidara and Sasori's common room, smirking softly to himself. He had come here for the sole purpose of annoying Deidara and ensuring that he would never suspect of his more.. 'clever' side. It was so fun to see the cocky blonde underestimate him. Casting a high-level invisibility and chakra-cloaking jutsu, he entered Deidara's room (after disabling and re-activating each one of his wards) and got comfortable, sitting on his bed's footboard, eager to see the show.

Back at Itachi and Kisame's side of the base, Deidara craned his neck to pick-up any of the conversation.

"Oh my goodness..."

That was Kisame, Deidara figures - and by the sound of it, the older man was extremely amused, exicted even.

_"Which one are you going to pick, Itachi?"_


End file.
